


Support

by lightsandsparks



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Suicide Attempt, WIP, cop-out title
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-06-17 18:39:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15467568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsandsparks/pseuds/lightsandsparks
Summary: Evan and Connor are forced into a support group for teenagers who've attempted suicide. They ditch together.





	1. Chapter 1

The support group had been his therapist's idea. 

In all honesty, Evan can't think of a worse solution to his issues. He deals with a crippling amount of social anxiety and the thought of telling a bunch of strangers about his deepest darkest secrets is enough to make him start hyperventilating in the car. 

"Evan?" his mom asks, glancing over at him in the passenger seat. "What's going on? Do I need to pull over?" 

God, he's a mess. He doesn't want anyone else to see him like this, cracked open with all of his ickiest parts exposed. Especially not a group of his peers. Besides, they'll want him to talk, right? All eyes on him, listening to every stutter and stumble as he tries to find the right words or correct answer to a question. It's public speaking in its scariest form, and Evan knows it's not going to help. 

If anything, it's going to make things worse. 

"No, no, I'm. I'm fine," Evan insists between gasps. Heidi pulls over anyway. 

"Deep breaths, Evan." 

"I don't want to go," he eventually manages. 

"Sweetie," Heidi says in that sickly sweet voice she uses when he's having another one of his meltdowns. He hates it. It makes him feel like a child, like he's something fragile. "I think you should go just this once, at least. Dr. Sherman agrees it's a good idea and plus, trying new things is how you grow, right?" 

Evan rolls his eyes. He hates that phrase. "Therapy works just fine." 

"Evan, I did a little research on support groups and they seem like very useful tools. Sometimes the best people to help you heal are the ones that experienced the same things you did. You went through something pretty traumatic, afterall. Why not just give it one shot? If you don't like it, I promise I won't make you go again." 

It's a waste of time; Evan knows he isn't going to like it, but there's no talking to his mother when she gets like this. She's been so worried since the… incident. Constantly checking in with him, constantly searching for new methods to help him to deal with the aftermath. 

If he can do just one more thing to get her off his back, it may very well be worth it. "Okay." 

"That's the spirit! Come on, we're almost there. I'll walk you in." 

\-- 

Evan is shaking with nerves as he sits in the tiny waiting room. He still has ten minutes before the support group is set to start, but he's out of his element. 

The meeting is being held in the same building he has his appointments with Dr. Sherman in, but he has no idea what to do. Is he just supposed to walk back to the room when it's time? Will someone come get him? He could ask the receptionist, but… well. That's a lot more interaction than Evan thinks he can handle right now. 

Luckily, a girl around his age asks someone else in the waiting room if they're there for the support group meeting at six, and they respond that they are. Evan figures he can just follow them wherever they go. 

Not long after, a boy walks in and sits next to him in the last available waiting chair. Curiously, Evan glances up and realizes he recognizes him - Connor Murphy. They go to school together, and truth be told, this isn't exactly the last place he would expect to see him. 

Except this specific support group meeting is for suicide survivors and although Evan still isn't shocked, he does feel a little sad. 

A few minutes after six, a friendly young woman who looks to be in her early thirties comes and gathers the group, instructing them to follow her into a room. 

Evan takes a seat and tries to breathe. His heart is hammering and he's practically drowning in his own sweat. 

Looking up, Evan sees that Connor Murphy has taken a seat across from him. He plops down on the chair, crossing his arms. He looks apathetic and a little irritated, but definitely not nervous. 

Nothing ever seems to make Connor Murphy nervous. Evan wishes he could say the same. 

"Hi everyone," the person running the group pipes up once everyone has settled. My name's Jeff and I've been a licensed therapist here for five years…" Jeff continues to introduce himself and Evan spaces out a bit, until he hears the word "introductions." His stomach drops to his feet. 

They're told to go around the room and introduce themselves, give a short explanation of what they hope to get out of the session, and name one thing they love. Evan wants to throw up. 

Luckily, the circle begins clockwise, which gives Evan enough time to rehearse what he wants to say in his head. His thoughts are scattered; he jitters his leg while he waits and tries to focus on listening to everyone else's answers. 

When it's Connor Murphy's turn, he sighs and rolls his eyes. "My name's Connor, I don't care what I get out of this because I'm being forced to come here in the first place, and man do I love weed." 

Evan can't help it, he snorts out a laugh, giggling along with some other members of the group. His amusement fades when he glances over to Jeff however, expecting him to be mad or to reprimand Connor in some way. Evan is surprised to find he's smiling as well, though. 

"That's one I haven't heard in a while. Would you say that weed is a coping mechanism for you. Connor?" 

Connor shrugs. "Nah. I just like smoking weed." 

Jeff nods, though he doesn't look totally convinced. "Got it." 

The circle continues before he knows it, it's Evan's turn. "Uh, hi. My, my name's Evan. I'm hoping, that maybe I. Um." _Spit it out, Evan._ "Hopefully I can find someone whose story I relate to? Uh. And I love. Writing?" Well, it was either that or trees, and writing is just a tad less dorky. 

"That's great, Evan," Jeff encourages, thankfully not acknowledging how awkward his reply was. 

They do an icebreaker exercise where they go around the room and answer a question about themselves, then ask the person next to them a different question. Evan gets asked where his favorite place to vacation is. It would be a surprisingly easy question to answer if he hadn't grown up poor, so he lies and says Disneyworld. He asks the person next to him what their favorite food is. 

When it's Connor's turn, he crosses his arms tighter and mumbles "pass." Jeff doesn't let that go though, and he's forced to answer what his favorite subject in school is. He answers that it's English, and asks the person next to him what their favorite book is. 

After the icebreaker, they go around and are given the option to share their stories if they want. Evan has absolutely no intention of sharing his, but he's content to listen to everyone else's although they're extremely depressing and make him tear up more than once. He does feel a little less alone afterwards, though. 

Luckily, the session soon after that and Evan has never been more thankful to scurry out of a room. He texts his mom that he' ready to get picked up while he waits for the elevator. 

"That was dumbest, least helpful thing I've ever at through in my life." 

Evan almost jumps. He thought he was alone in the hallway, but Connor Murphy is standing behind him with his hands in his pockets, staring straight ahead. 

"Yeah, I. Yeah, tell me about it," he responds, still a little shaken from being spoken to by Connor Murphy of all people. They've gone to school together for almost twelve years and this is the first interaction they've ever had. 

"My mom's not going to let me stop going, though. Maybe I'll just cut next time." 

Evan can't think of anything to say, so he just nods. 

"Hey. If you hated it as much as I did," Connor says as they get on the elevator. "You should totally cut with me." 

Evan can't even believe this is his real life. First, he happens to be in the same suicide support group as Connor Murphy, and now he's basically being asked to hang out with him? It's nothing short of a miracle, especially since the only person that ever asks him to hang out is Jared, and he only does that for his car insurance. 

The part of Evan's brain that's desperate to please everyone he meets answers for him. "Yeah maybe, yeah. That'd be good." 

Connor nods and gets off the elevator, long strides leading him out of the building much faster than Evan could keep up with. Evan has a feeling he's not meant to keep up, anyway. 

His phone buzzes with a text. 

_So sorry, honey. Got called into work. Think you can take the bus home?_


	2. Chapter 2

Evan spends the entire week leading up to the next meeting filled with dread. 

The support group only meets every other week, but even that still feels like too much for Evan. He knows he's going to be forced to talk at some point, and it's the very last thing he wants to do. Public speaking is bad enough, but publicly speaking about how screwed up he is? About what he tried to do? It's a nightmare scenario. 

Connor's offer sits in the back of his mind. It's starting to sound pretty appealing, especially since Evan pretty much agreed to it, anyway. 

It would be a win/win situation, too. Evan could skip the group while simultaneously keeping his mom pleased with the knowledge he's getting more help, especially from his peers. She looked so happy when he told her that he enjoyed the first meeting. 

Maybe he could even further the lie and tell her he was making friends. 

That's how Evan ends up getting dropped off outside of the tiny office building by his mom, feeling slightly better and less anxious than he had last time. 

He gulps and tries to control his heart rate as he gets in the elevator. A million different scenarios are playing out in his head. What if Connor didn't show up this week? What if he never showed up again? Then Evan would have nobody to skip with and god knows he wouldn't skip by himself. He'd have no choice but to go in there and stutter through an explanation of how and why he tried to kill himself. 

What if Connor _does_ show up and they skip and get caught? What kind of consequences would that bring? Would they kick him out of his therapy and psychiatry program as well? He would definitely wind up dead without the benefit of medication and therapy, not that those two are doing much to help him in the first place. 

Evan is knocked from his thoughts by the sight of Connor in the waiting room, arms crossed and leg jittering in a display of what looks like might be anxiety. 

He's blessedly alone. That was another situation Evan thought could occur; what if Connor's mom or someone was sitting with him and sat there until he went in? Connor is sort of notorious for skipping class at school, so it shouldn't be all that much of a surprise that he wants to skip therapy, too. 

"You made it," Connor says as soon as he looks up and lays eyes on Evan. "Let's get the fuck out of here." And with that, Connor is passing Evan and heading out the door. 

Everything feels like it's happening too fast for Evan, just like it always seems to. He doesn't even have time to second-guess himself before he's following Connor into the elevator. 

Not that he had any plans of going to that meeting today, anyway. 

"Where are we going?" Evan asks as the elevator ticks down, counting the floors until they reach the first. 

"I don't know." Connor shrugs. He doesn't say anything after that which Evan finds a little odd, but he knows better than to point it out. 

Evan can't pretend he isn't on edge. Connor Murphy has always had a reputation at their school, and a pretty poor one at that. He's known for being angry and volatile. For doing drugs and throwing printers at teachers. Evan had always been afraid of him and the thought of being alone with him for the next hour or so is nerve wracking. 

What would they even talk about? 

When they reach the first floor, Evan follows Connor through the double doors of the main entrance and around the side of the building. They pause when they reach the dumpsters, which are partially hidden by a fence. 

"This is good," Connor announces as he plops down behind the fence, right next to a dumpster that reeks. 

"Uh," Evan says eloquently. He sits down beside Connor because he doesn't know what else to do. "Don't you think that maybe, maybe we could find somewhere that doesn't stink?" 

Evan braces himself to be yelled at, but Connor just stares at him. There's something about his gaze that Evan can't put his finger on. He feels exposed, like Connor knows all of his secrets just by looking at him. 

"It's hidden," Connor reasons. "Nobody can see us back here." 

"That's a good point," Evan says automatically. He doesn't want to seem difficult because then Connor might get annoyed with him and leave, and then Evan will either have to continue sitting out here by himself or go back inside. Both options are terrifying. 

"So how'd you try to do it? Kill yourself, I mean." 

The question causes Evan to stop breathing. He can't believe Connor just asked such an invasive, jarring question. Especially when they barely know each other. He gulps for a breath of air and it feels like his throat has closed. He knows he's on the verge of a panic attack. No, no, not here, not in front of Connor, not- 

"Jesus Christ," Connor sounds angry, and Evan hates himself. Why can't he just be normal for five minutes? "Forget I asked. I took a bottle of prescription pain pills in the park and someone found me after I passed out. I guess they saved my life, but I didn't really want it saved." 

The conversation is already far too overwhelming for Evan, but he grapples for something to say. "I'm sorry to hear that." 

"Yeah, me too. My parents won't put me in real therapy. The only reason I'm here is because they think it'll be good for me since I don't have any real friends." 

Well, that's at least one thing they have in common. "Me either. I go to therapy here, though. It's not all it's cracked up… it's not that helpful. I think, probably the reason my mom wanted me to come to support group in the first place was for the same reason. I don't have any real friends either." 

"I can see that." 

Evan has no idea what Connor's talking about until he looks up and follows his gaze. Connor is staring at his embarrassingly blank cast. "Oh, yeah." 

"I'll sign it." 

"What?" Evan is taken aback. Connor Murphy is nothing if not full of surprises. 

"Got a sharpie?" 

Evan rummages in his pocket for the sharpie marker his mother made him leave the house with. She does that on the rare occasion that she sees him before he leaves for school, and now she's apparently taken to doing it before support group. Evan has almost considered writing fake names on it, if it meant he could avoid seeing her disappointed face whenever she glanced at his blank cast. 

Apparently, that's going to end today. 

Evan hands Connor the sharpie and before he knows it, his broken arm is being yanked closer to Connor. Evan yelps in pain which garners a quick apology from Connor before he's writing his name in huge, block letters that take up almost the entirety of Evan's cast. 

"Oh, uh. Thanks." 

Connor hands the sharpie back to Evan. It's silent after that. 

Evan tries desperately the come up with conversation topics, but his mind is blank. He cracks his knuckles and tries to tamp down on his rising anxiety, but fails. God, he's such a boring person. It always seems like he either doesn't have anything to say, or too much to say all at once. Never anything in between. 

For his part, Connor doesn't seem to mind. He's staring blankly ahead, sitting perfectly still, and looking lost in thought. A few moments later, he takes out a cigarette and lights it. 

Evan weighs his options. The last time he was around cigarettes he had a bad asthma attack, but he isn't sure that he should tell Connor that. He agonizes over it for the next few minutes until a puff of smoke gets in his lungs and he chokes on it. 

"Shit, sorry," Connor says suddenly, much to Evan's surprise. He moves so that the cloud isn't blowing towards Evan anymore. 

"Actually, " Evan murmurs after catching his breath, "I have pretty bad asthma and the last time I was around cigarettes I had an attack." As soon as the words leave his mouth he regrets them, but at least he'd managed to speak up for once in his life. 

Connor looks over at him, shrugs, then puts the cigarette out just like that. "My bad. You good?" 

Evan nods. His throat hurts but he doesn't think the smoke triggered his asthma at all. He's surprised Connor just wasted a perfectly good cigarette on him, though. 

Maybe he isn't as bad as everyone makes him out to be. 

The silence that stretches after that is actually… comfortable. Well, at least Evan thinks so. He wonders if Connor feels the same way. Maybe it's all in his head, and Connor is hating himself for choosing to waste his time with Evan, who can't think of anything interesting to say. 

Either way, he thinks that both of them would rather be sitting out here than the alternative. 

"My mom's gonna be coming to pick me up soon. She'll freak if I'm not in the lobby waiting for her," Connor says eventually. 

"Me too." 

"Guess we oughta get going." 

"Guess so." 

Connor stands up, impossibly long legs raising him high. Evan is about to get up too, when suddenly there's a hand in front of his face. Connor is… offering to help him up? 

Evan takes Connor's hand and ignores the way his stomach flips when he does. They head back to the front of the building and sit next to each other in the lobby. 

"Good session today, huh?" Connor jokes. "I think we really made a fucking breakthrough." 

Evan feels a smirk inch its way onto his face. "Yeah. We totally did." 


	3. Chapter 3

For Evan, the worst part about skipping group therapy is having to lie to his mom about it. 

At least he doesn't have to lie about Connor. 

"Have you made any new friends?" she asks him on the way to a session one week. 

"Yeah," Evan says, although he does have to think for a moment if that's a lie, too. Is Connor his friend? Today will mark the fifth session they've skipped together and surprisingly, Evan and Connor have found that they have a lot in common. Evan even manages to hold full conversations with Connor, which is rare when it comes to talking to his peers. Evan is comfortable with Connor. Does that really make them friends? 

"His name is Connor, he's pretty cool," Evan tells his mom anyway. 

"That's so great, sweetie! I'm happy to hear that." She really does sound genuinely happy; not in that fake way that she sometimes has when talking to him, like he's a kindergartener in need of placating. "Does he go to your school?" 

"Yeah." At least that's not a lie. "We've been in school together since we were kids but just never talked before now, I guess." 

"Well, it's good to have things in common. Sometimes that's all it takes." The statement makes Evan want to throw up. He hates it when his mom brings up his attempt. He wants to pretend like it didn't happen, although that wouldn't make much sense considering where he's about to get dropped off. But still. It's so much easier for Evan to act like he never tried to... do that. 

"Yeah," is all Evan can think to say to his mom. "That's all it takes." 

\-- 

Evan eyes Connor curiously as he fiddles with a baggie he's just pulled out of his pocket. "What's that?" he asks. 

"Weed," Connor says simply. "I would have had it a lot sooner but I haven't been allowed to drive. I'm still not, but I snuck out last night and restocked." 

Evan can't deny that being around drugs is making him nervous. What Connor's about to do is highly illegal, and if they get caught, that means double the trouble for both of them. "Do you think we can move? It's just, well it's just that it's too easy to get caught over here and someone might smell it and we should probably move," Evan says all in one breath. 

"That's a good idea, actually," Connor agrees, much to Evan's relief. "There's a strip of woods over there, let's go." 

Evan wordlessly follows Connor into the woods. He sits down by an Elm tree and goes back to fiddling with the bag, pulling out a pipe and a lighter. 

Evan simply sits down by Connor and watches curiously. 

Once Connor has everything set, he takes a hit and breathes in deeply. Evan watches the smoke as it exits between Connor's lips, and Evan wonders if he'll get a contact high just from sitting next to him. 

"Wanna try?" 

"Uh, I have asthma, remember?" 

"Oh, yeah." Connor takes another hit, and then his lips quirk up into a smirk. "You should try pot brownies. I have some at home that I can bring next time. Maybe those will chill you out a bit." 

Evan's first instinct is to tell Connor no, that he doesn't do drugs, but, well. The idea of chilling out is tempting. Evan never considered smoking pot because of his asthma, but he'd forgotten about edibles. Jared never had those on the few occasions he's seen him smoke pot, and Evan can't pretend he isn't curious. 

"Okay, we can try that." He can't believe he's just agreed to do drugs, but somehow he doesn't regret it. 

"I wonder what you would be like when you're high. It's probably pretty hilarious. Edibles are strong though, so I'm only gonna let you have like one bite." 

"Cool, that. That sounds good." 

A week later, Evan has had a chance to do his research on edibles and their effects on anxiety and people with mental disorders. His results are mixed - apparently, every person reacts differently to pot, and there hasn't been many studies done on how it affects people with various mental illnesses. Most websites say to start small; pot can actually be really good for anxiety and depression, but it's possible that it can interact with certain medications. 

It's not enough to scare Evan into not giving it a try, though. One bite of a brownie won't kill him, and even if it did, that would be a way less painful way to go than jumping out of a tree. 

"Okay, here," Connor says as he hands Evan a small piece of a brownie. It looks perfectly normal and Evan wonders how many people have mistaken edibles for regular food. 

They're in the woods again, but there really isn't much of a reason for that this time other than the fact that it doesn't stink and is a much better hiding place. You can't really smell someone eating a pot brownie, after all. 

"Well, what are you waiting for? Eat it." 

Evan looks down at the piece of pot brownie and gives himself one last chance to back out. Trying desperately to block out the voice in the back of his mind that's shouting about this being a bad idea, Evan pops the brownie into his mouth and starts chewing. 

It doesn't taste different than a regular brownie at first, but the more he chews, the stronger he can taste a strange flavor that shouldn't be there. It's slightly foul and tastes the way pot smells. At least that proves Connor isn't just messing with him. 

"Good job," Connor tells him, seeming slightly amused. "Now, you have a while to wait. You gotta digest it and that usually takes about an hour." 

Evan's stomach drops down to his toes. "What?! I thought it would at least be like drinking where it happens sorta fast. We don't even have a full hour!" 

Connor shrugs, something Evan is beginning to learn is one of his signature moves. He pops a piece of brownie into his own mouth and says, "I can come over your house so you don't freak out, if you want." 

That statement stops Evan in his tracks. He hasn't had a friend over in… years, literal years. That is, if he isn't counting Jared of course. But Jared has made it clear that their relationship doesn't count as friendship, so... years. His mom will be thrilled. 

"Okay, that sounds good," Evan agrees. 

That's when the nerves hit him. What the hell is going to do with Connor when they get to his house? He supposes they could play video games. That might be a fun thing to do when they're both high, right? But what if Connor thinks all his games are boring? What if Connor sees his room and thinks it's lame? What if his mom does something weird and embarrasses him? What if he embarrasses himself? God, he's an idiot. Why did he agree to this?! 

"You okay in there?" Connor asks, popping another piece of brownie into his mouth. "You're staring into space. Don't tell me that brownie hit you already. That's not even really possible, dude. It's placebo." 

Evan takes a deep breath and considers the merits of making up some excuse for why Connor can't come over. That's when he thinks of yet another issue: he's going to be high around his mom. With the way she likes to grill him on the way home from his therapy sessions, she's most definitely going to know something is up. If Connor is in the car, maybe she'll redirect all her questions at him. It'll at least take some attention off of himself, anyway. 

"Yeah, I'm good. And definitely not high, so there's that. I was just… thinking." 

"God. I can already tell you're going to be one of those kids that has an existential crisis when he's high. You already do enough thinking for the two of us." 

Evan actually laughs at that. "Probably. I already feel like I have an existential crisis like, every day anyway." 

"This is gonna be hilarious, oh my god." 

Evan and Connor sit and talk for about thirty or so minutes when Evan starts to feel funny. He's noticing that his limbs are tingling, but not in an unpleasant way. His vision is going topsy turvy and his thoughts seem to slow. It feels good. 

"Connor, I think I'm… high. Am I high?" 

"If you have to ask, the answer is yes." 

"I don't hate it." 

"That's good." 

"Are you high too?" 

"A little bit. Getting there." 

Evan checks his phone. "We should get back to the lobby." 

"Yep." 

Neither of them move. In fact, Evan lays down instead. He stares up at the leaves on the trees above them and watches as they sway in the wind. Or maybe they're moving on their own. He can't tell. 

"I know I said I have an existential crisis every day," Evan muses. "But that's only because I'm constantly wondering if I exist. Like, I feel like no one can really see me. Or at least, they don't notice that I'm there. So if nobody notices me, or sees that I'm there, do I really exist?" 

Evan expects Connor to laugh, make fun of him, or at least comment on how high he sounds right now. Surprisingly, he doesn't do any of those things. "Sure you exist. Nobody can see air but it's still there. I can see you right now. That doesn't even make any sense, Evan." 

"It really doesn't." 

"You're just trying to have an existential crisis at this point, aren't you?" 

Evan considers for a moment before bursting out into laughter. "Pretty much." 

"Come on. Let's go." 

Connor helps Evan up off the ground and they head back towards the parking lot in search of their respective mothers. Evan locates his mom's car pretty quickly. He tries to pull himself together as much as possible, praying his eyes aren't bloodshot and that he won't slur his speech any more than usual when he talks to her. 

He opens the car door and instead of getting in, he leans down and steels himself. Taking a deep breath, he says "Mom, I have a friend. Can they come over?" _Wow. Very articulate, idiot._

Heidi laughs at him and Evan starts to shake with nerves, despite the fact that he's definitely really high. "Of course. Is this the Connor boy you told me about?" 

"Yeah. I'll be right back." 

Evan slams the car door shut a bit harder than strictly necessary and heads in the direction he saw Connor go. The world is… different. Everything is wavy and he feels warm and happier than usual. Colors seem brighter. Sounds are louder. It's strange and a little unnerving, but it's nice. 

He sees Connor heading toward him and he feels himself smile. Connor smiles back. "She said yes," Connor tells him. "Let's bounce before she gets a chance to change her mind." 

Evan nods, and Connor follows him back to Evan's moms car. 

Once they get in, it's a plethora of conversation and words and talking that Evan can't keep up with. Granted, most of the conversation is coming from his mom in the form of questions directed at Connor. For his part, Connor is polite and almost a little charming, something Evan feels guilty to admit that he's surprised by. Maybe it's because he's mellowed out by the pot, but this is definitely not the Connor Murphy he knows from school. 

They're about halfway to Evan's house when Evan realizes how hungry he is. In fact, he hasn't really ever felt hunger like this before. It might have to do with the fact that he hasn't eaten yet today, but that's nothing abnormal. The insatiable, gnawing hunger he's feeling right now is. Very abnormal. 

"Mom, " he says suddenly. "Let's stop at McDonald's." 

Heidi looks at him strangely through the rearview mirror. She looks like she wants to protest for a moment and give the stereotypical "We have food at home" speech, but then her gaze softens and her eyes crinkle up into what Evan can only assume to be a smile. "Sure, sweetie." 

Beside him, Connor chuckles quietly. 

Evan winds up ordering way more than just the usual six-piece chicken nuggets, and Connor pleads with Heidi to let him pay for himself. She doesn't, even after Connor sets a ten dollar bill on her shoulder playfully. She sends it flying into the backseat and all three of them laugh while Evan steals fries from the bag he's holding. 

It's nice. 

They get to Evan's house and eat burgers crowded around the living room table and watching the fourth season of Dexter. Heidi and Evan had been making their way through the series, but lately their progress has slowed due to Heidi's hectic schedule. Connor is a little lost, but he seems engrossed and says he enjoys the thread of the story either way. 

After about four episodes, Heidi stretches, hands Evan the remote and tells them she's going to get to bed. She kisses Evan on the forehead, tells Connor it was nice to meet him, and makes sure he has a ride home before climbing the steps. Evan lets out a puff of air, like a breath he didn't know he was holding. 

"Still high?" Connor whispers. 

Evan just nods. "So. High." 

Connor bursts out laughing. "I could tell. You destroyed those nuggets like a starving man. Welcome to the munchies, dude." 

"The what?"  


"It's what happen when you're high. Pot speeds up your metabolism so you get really hungry. You didn't know that?" 

Evan shrugs. "Not exactly a topic they cover in health class." 

"Well they should. They talk about what it's like to be drunk enough. Hey. Have you been drunk before, or is that something else I'm going to have to corrupt you with?" 

Evan nods. "Jared and I sometimes break into his parent's liquor cabinet when they go away for the weekend." 

Connor's nose crinkles. "Kleinman. Yuck. Why do you still hang around that guy?" 

"Honestly? I don't know," Evan admits. "I mean, I've known him my entire life. He was the closest thing I've had to a friend for a really long time." 

"He treats you like shit." 

"I know," Evan says. "But he's not all bad. He can be okay." 

"Well, you don't need him anymore. I mean, far be it from me to tell you who to hang out with, but you've got me now." 

Evan almost chokes on air. His eyes burn and his stomach clenches. Did Connor really just imply what he thinks he implied? 

"Sorry," Connor says after a moment. "That was weird. We don't have to talk at school if you don't want to." 

"No!" Evan scrambles to backtrack. "Of course I would- of course I want to talk at school. I was just surprised. Most people don't want to- usually they don't really want to be seen with me." 

Connor shrugs and leans back on the couch. "Yeah, I get that. People don't really jump to hang around me either. I'm surprised you didn't turn around and run when I talked to you that day in group." 

Evan smiles. "You're cool," Evan tells him. It comes out sounding flat and stupid but Evan means it and in that moment he just _doesn't care_. 

"So are you, Hansen." 

"Wanna play video games?" 

"Sure." 


	4. Chapter 4

Evan and Connor wind up playing video games until well past midnight. They have some pretty deep conversations, covering topics like aliens and the afterlife - things that Evan is pretty sure he's never talked about with anyone else before. Connor only leaves when he gets a phone call from his mother, berating him for staying out so late on a school night. Luckily, she offers to come pick him up so Connor doesn't have to walk home. 

  
Connor swears it's because she doesn't trust that he's actually just hanging out at Evan's house, but Evan isn't so sure. From what Evan could hear of the conversation, Connor's mom mostly just sounded worried rather than suspicious. 

Evan goes to bed that night feeling warm and fuzzy, and he's not so sure it's just because he's still a little bit high. 

The next day at school, Evan is tired but excited. He's finally going to have someone to talk to and sit with at lunch that isn't Jared. Someone that doesn't mock him and make him feel even more self-conscious than he already is. Someone that just… gets him. 

"Hey, dick!" Jared comes up from behind Evan, shoulder bumping him and causing Evan to jump about ten feet into the air. Jared knows by now that Evan is jumpy, especially at school, but that's never seemed to faze him. 

"You're coming over my house after school. My moms have been bugging me because they haven't seen you in a while, plus I think this new game I ordered came in the mail today." 

Evan rolls his eyes. He hates it when Jared phrases things as statements that should be posed as questions. "I can't, I have plans," he blurts automatically, not even having the time to mask the annoyance in his voice. 

"Yeah, okay. Good joke," Jared says. Evan can tell he's trying to sound smug, but Jared is transparent. He's thrown off. "See you after school. I'll give you a ride." 

Anger boils in Evan's gut. "I'm serious. I can't come- I have plans, so I can't come over. I know that's super hard for you to believe, that I would have something to do that has nothing to do with you, but it's true." He stamps down the automatic 'sorry' that claws at his throat and walks off, feeling proud of himself. 

Evan makes his way to Connor's locker, pleased to see that he's standing there and staring at his phone. "Hey," Evan says quietly. 

"Oh hey," Connor greets, looking up. "I was just texting you. Let's ditch today." 

Nerves shoot through Evan's stomach like a lightning strike. He's never skipped class before, much less the entire day. First the weed, now Connor wants him to skip school. Does that make Connor a bad influence? 

Maybe. But he' also getting Evan to live his life a little. He stood up to Jared, which he's never done before. Plus, if he's being honest, the last thing he feels like doing is trudging through an entire school day by himself, especially if Connor decides to skip without him. 

It's their senior year. It's time for some rebellion. 

"Let's do it." 

Evan follows Connor out to what he can only assume is Connor's car. "You're allowed to drive again?" 

"Temporarily. It's why I haven't been cutting school much but Cynthia convinced Larry to let me drive this week since Zoe has been going in early." 

Evan briefly considers asking Connor if he should really risk betraying their trust like this, but thinks better of it and keeps his mouth shut. 

Connor starts driving and it occurs to Evan that he has no idea where they're going or what they're doing. His anxiety won't let him keep quiet about that, though. "Hey, Connor?" 

"What?"  
  
"Where are we going?" 

"Good question. I'm sort of just driving." 

"Oh." Evan's mind buzzes with possibilities, but he trusts Connor. He notices the route they're taking is familiar though, and before long they end up at the building where their support group is held. 

Evan feels his lips quirk up into a smirk. "We're a little early, and it's not even Wednesday." 

"I figured we can hang out in that spot we always go to. It's the only place I could think of." 

They get out of the car. "Where do you usually go when you skip?" 

"Either home, or I sit in my car and smoke." 

Evan doesn't know why he's surprised. They sit down and Evan lays in the grass, staring up at the leaves again. "Hey, Connor?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Remember when you asked me how I ended up in the support group and I couldn't answer?" 

A long pause. "Yeah." 

"Well. I'm ready to- I want to tell you now, if you don't mind." 

"Oh. Okay. I don't mind." 

Evan takes a deep breath. He hasn't spoken to anyone about this in detail. Sure, he admitted it to the doctors at the hospital. His mom. His therapist. But nobody knows the gross, gory details that he's about to relay to Connor. 

"I jumped out of a tree. I had the perfect one picked out for weeks and I thought it would be high enough to kill me, but I guess I didn't do enough research. I pushed myself off a branch and- and I fell like 30 feet, but all that happened to me was a broken arm. I called my mom but she never answered the phone so I had to get my boss to take me to the hospital. I was at work, I forgot to mention that part. Anyways, I told the doctors at the hospital what I tried to do and they put me on suicide watch for three days." Fuck, now Evan's crying and he really didn't want to do that. He takes a breath. 

The next thing he knows, Connor's hand is in his. They're holding hands. He would be freaking out about that right now if he had the energy, but he needs to get the rest of this out. It's like he started and now he just can't stop. 

"I think the whole thing really messed me up. I can't look at trees the same way anymore, and I used to love them. Like, that's why I was working at the state park in the first place, to learn more about trees and hopefully get some experience on my resume. I want to major in environmental science in college, but I'm pretty sure my mom isn't even going to be able to afford college this point. Everything just felt so pointless and I was so, so alone. I _am_ so alone." 

Connor squeezes Evan' hand and lets him sniffle for a little while. It's silent, and Evan worries he's said too much. He starts to panic and goes to pull his hand away from Connor's, but Connor grabs it before he gets the chance. 

"You're not alone," he says simply. "You have me." And that causes Evan to burst out into a fresh round of tears. 

Once Evan is finally able to calm himself, he notices Connor's been quiet for a long time. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed, he sits up, wipes his nose and tries to backtrack."I'm sorry. You probably didn't need to hear all of that. I know you're dealing with your own stuff, too." 

"That's the thing though. I'm dealing with the same stuff. I know exactly how you felt. How you feel." 

Something dawns on Evan in that moment. "Maybe that support group thing wasn't such a bad idea after all." 

Connor laughs. "Nah, I think it was still a pretty shitty idea. But I guess it wasn't all bad. We never would have started talking at school if we hadn't met there." 

It's Evan's turn to shrug. "I guess that's what I meant? It's nice to talk to someone who understands what you went through and how you're feeling. I just didn't wanna do that with a bunch of strangers." 

"Yeah, me neither." 

They're still holding hands. 

Evan's phone pings with a text and he almost jumps, so unused to the sound of his phone getting a notification of any kind. He checks it and it's from his mom. _Honey. I just got a call from the school saying you never showed up to your classes. Is everything okay??_

"Shit," Evan mumbles. "It's my mom. The school called her and told her I never showed up to class. What should I do?" 

"Text her back. I can take you back to school if you need me to." 

"No, that's even more suspicious. I'll tell her I just needed a mental health day. I do that sometimes, I just usually have her call me out first. I should go home in case she gets off early just in case, though." 

"Alright. I'll drive you there." 

In a moment of bravery, Evan squeezes Connor's hand and pointedly doesn't let go of it, despite the fact that he can feel how sweaty it's gotten. "You should come over." 

Connor stands, taking Evan's hand with him. He smiles, and Evan's heart leaps. "Okay." 

\-- 

The rest of the day is uneventful. They sit at Evan's house and watch TV. Connor makes them grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch and they take a nap on the couch. Evan finds himself wanting to cuddle up to Connor and be held by him (shit, shit, shit), but he pointedly stays on his own end of the couch. 

Connor leaves around the time that school usually lets out and tells Evan he might get grounded for skipping so he shouldn't expect to see him until group therapy next week. Evan finds himself achingly disappointed. 

He also finds himself with an undeniable crush on Connor Murphy. 

There's no use in denying it anymore. It's pretty obvious that's what's happening at this point. The fluttery butterflies and stomach flips when Connor smiles are exactly what was happening to him when he had a crush on Connor's sister Zoe during his Sophomore and Junior year. Luckily, that faded with time. Apparently Evan has a Murphy kink, or at least he knows that's what Jared would say. 

Jared. It would be nice to go to him for advice right now, but he'd never let him live this down. Besides, he's pretty sure Jared is pissed at him right now. He'll have to try to make up with him later. 

Evan lays in bed until his mom gets home. He's nervous to talk to her. She never responded to his text when he told her he took a mental health day, which makes him think he's not completely off the hook yet. 

He's right. As soon as his mom walks into his room that night Evan can tell she's angry with him. She practically stomps over to his bed and folds her arms across her chest, staring down at him and clearly waiting for him to say something. He grips his bed sheet for comfort and waits silently. 

"You have a lot of explaining to do, Evan. I don't even know where to start." 

Evan gulps. "What do you mean?" 

"Well, let's see. First, you skip school without telling me. Then, I call Dr. Sherman to make you an extra appointment when you said you needed a mental health day, and he tells me you haven't been to the support group since the first day I dropped you off. So I guess what I'm wondering is where have you been going instead, and why have you been lying to me about it?" 

  
Shit, his mom is really angry. She's furious, something that rarely happens. Tears jump to Evan's eyes and the words get caught in his throat. "I'm sorry," he chokes out. 

"I don't want to hear that, Evan. What I want is an explanation." 

"I just-" Well, there's nowhere he can go with this now except the truth. "I just really didn't like it the first time I went, so. So I've been skipping it with Connor and I think I might like him as more than a friend and I didn't want to keep lying to you about everything but I just. I don't know what to do and I'm sorry!" 

Well, he hadn't meant to say all of that, that's for sure. His explanation had come out as a tumbled, teary mess, but at least it was the truth. The whole truth. 

Not only that, but he'd just managed to come out to his mom on top of everything else. 

"Okay, okay," Heidi says soothingly, sitting down on the edge of the bed and putting her arm around Evan. "We'll go back to the other stuff in a minute. Did you just say what I think you just said?" 

Evan nods. "Yeah- yes. I'm. Well, I'm not gay. I'm bi, but I'm not straight and I like Connor and I don't know what to do about it." 

His mother smiles. "I knew I sensed something going on between the two of you. Well, whatever happens, just know that I love you no matter what, okay sweetie?" 

Evan nods and leans into her when she hugs him tightly. "Thanks," he says quietly. 

"As for the support group, why didn't you just tell me you didn't want to go anymore? I wouldn't have made you if you didn't think it was helping." 

"I just… you looked so happy and I didn't want to disappoint you. Plus, then Connor and I started skipping together. We didn't go anywhere, just out back where the dumpsters are and then we eventually moved to that little wooded area off to the side by the parking lot. I think I just wanted an excuse to keep hanging out with him." 

Evan sees his mom nod out of the corner of his eye. "That makes sense. But Evan, this can't happen again. You need to be honest with me about things like that. I'm happy you and Connor are getting along so well, though." 

Evan feels himself smile. "Yeah. I guess we sort of formed our own little support group after all. We talked about… stuff, and it helped." 

Heidi hugs him tighter before letting go. "I'm glad sweetie." They're quiet for a moment. "So, you hung out by the dumpsters? That's _super_ romantic." 

Evan rolls his eyes and shoulder bumps his mom. "Very funny." 

"Are you gonna tell him how you feel?!" she asks, sounding like a teenage girl gossiping with her best friend. 

"Mom!" 

"Okay, okay, I'll leave you alone." She gets up, planting a kiss on his forehead before starting to walk out of the room. She pauses at his doorway. "Oh! By the way, you're grounded for a week. Love you!" 

Welp. Not ideal, but that definitely could have gone a lot worse. 


	5. Chapter 5

Evan is admittedly relieved to find that Connor showed up to school the next day. 

For some reason, he hadn't expected to see him. Evan doesn't really put it past Connor to push his luck and ditch school despite being grounded for getting caught doing it yesterday. Low and behold however, he's at his locker rummaging through his bag when Evan walks in that morning. 

His automatic response is to walk right up to Connor first, but then he sees Jared standing at his locker and, well. Now Evan is at a crossroads. 

He should really go talk to Jared. He hasn't interacted with him at all in days. They used to talk every single day, at least during the school year. Hopefully, Jared isn't still holding a grudge over what happened the last time they spoke. 

"Hey," Evan greets Jared from behind, cursing the fact that his voice had come out small and shaky. 

Jared turns around, a hard glare painting his face. "What the hell do you want?" 

Oh. Well. "I- I just. I wanted to talk to you about what happened the other day and, and apologize?" 

Jared rolls his eyes and crosses his arms - the picture of anger and annoyance. "What do you have to apologize for? It's pretty clear you're done hanging out around the likes of me. By the way, are you fucking Murphy now or something?" 

Evan whips his head around, terrified at the prospect of someone hearing what Jared just said. There are a few people standing around, but the hallway is loud enough that it seems like nobody is paying attention to them, thankfully. He turns back to Jared. "No, not even close. We're friends." 

"Yeah, whatever. Did you guys have a blast cutting school yesterday? Since when do you cut? He's a shitty influence on you. You'll realize that eventually, but don't come crawling back to me when you do." 

"You don't know what you're talking about, Jared." 

"I know exactly what I'm talking about! I can't believe you fell for another Murphy. Do you have some kind of weird Murphy kink or something? He's never going to like you back, you know. You're pathetic, dude." 

Ouch, that had cut Evan deep. Jared knows him too well - knows just what to say to get under Evan's skin. 

And apparently, Evan knows Jared pretty well, too. 

Evan is not backing down without a fight, though. Not this time. "I'm pathetic? Look at you! You don't know what to do with yourself now that I have someone else to hang out with. That's the reason- that's why you're mad at me, isn't it? Because you don't have any other friends!" 

Jared practically growls, his face turning bright red. "Fuck you, Evan. Stay the hell away from me." 

"No problem," Evan hears himself retort before stomping away. 

It's only once he's started down the hall that he realizes he's about to have a breakdown. 

Evan runs into the nearest janitor's closet - a habit he picked up in his sophomore year when he realized the bathrooms were way too busy to have panic attacks in. His sits down on an overturned bucket and starts sobbing, trying and failing to count his breaths as they come out ragged and hitched. 

Before long, he hears a knock at the door and he practically falls over. Part of him hopes it's Jared, the other part of him is terrified it's another student, or even a teacher coming to yell at him for not being in class. He did hear the bell ring a few seconds ago, after all. 

But then he hears a familiar voice. 

"Ev? It's me, Connor. Open up." 

Relief floods his body and he scrambles to open up the door. 

Connor steps in, looking furious. "I saw the whole thing. Do you want me to kick his ass for you? Because I totally will. Dude has it coming." 

Evan sits back on his bucket and Connor sits down on the floor in front of him. Evan shakes his head. "No, it's okay. He's not wrong. I am pathetic." 

When he looks up at Connor, he's staring down at his lap and playing with one of the rings he always wears. Evan never noticed before, but it's some type of spinner ring, probably made for people who are fidgety. It's surprising to him that Connor wears one. 

"You're not pathetic," Connor says, not looking up. "But I heard everything he said. I was standing right there." 

Evan almost throws up. Apparently, he hadn't noticed Connor in his search for people potentially listening in on their fight. How many other people were listening? "I don't like you! I mean, I don't like you like _that_. I don't know why he said that but he was probably just jealous because he's not my only friend anymore. I don't like you like that, I swear." _God, very convincing, Evan._

Connor still isn't looking at Evan. He plays with his ring a little more furiously and says, "Good to know. But what did he mean when he said you have a Murphy kink?" 

Evan grips his shirt and closes his eyes. Shit, he's about to lose his only two friends in the whole world, all in one morning. He really is pathetic. 

He considers lying, but he can't come up with something fast enough. He has to bite the bullet and tell the truth. "I used to like your sister." 

"You what?!" 

Connor is mad, Evan can hear it. He shrinks back and closes his eyes tighter. "Used to! I swear I don't like her anymore. I had a crush on her last year and the year before and Jared knew about it, but I'm over it now." 

Before Evan knows it, Connor is standing up. No, no, please no. "I fucking knew it. There was no way someone like you would be hanging out with me just for the sake of it. You wanted to get to my sister." 

"Connor, no, I swear-" 

"Shut up, Evan." God, Connor is furious and suddenly his voice is raised, loud and booming. "For the record, Zoe has a girlfriend, so you're shit out luck. There you go, you don't need me anymore, so you can stop fucking around with me now." 

And with that, Connor gets up and leaves the closet, slamming the door. 

If Evan thought he was having a breakdown before, he was wrong. He has a full blown panic attack and spends the next hour trying to calm himself down before leaving the closet and going to the nurse. 

Today might be the worst day of his life. 

Maybe even worse than the day he jumped out of that tree. 


	6. Chapter 6

The following week, Evan actually asks his mom to take him to the support group. 

She luckily doesn't question him, just nods and kisses the top of his head in that affectionate way she always does. 

It makes Evan's stomach twist with guilt when he realizes just how badly he's about to hurt her. 

When they arrive, Heidi luckily doesn't ask to walk him in. He counts to thirty when the car drives away and makes a beeline for the woods on the side of the building, stamping down the buzzing voice in the back of his head telling him to turn around. 

He just can't do this anymore. There isn't a point. He has to end it. It's not like anyone except his mom would care, and even she would get over it eventually. Her life will be a lot easier in the long-run, and he thinks they both know that deep down. 

When he gets to the spot that he and Connor used to sit at, he gives himself a moment to mourn. He'll never see Connor again. Never sit and talk with him, or joke around about dumb, meaningless things. He'll never tell Connor how he feels, or get to know what it's like to kiss him. 

Well, Connor would never want that even if he stayed alive anyway. 

He picks a tree and starts climbing. 

He goes as high as he possibly can. If there's one thing Evan always knew he was good at, it's climbing trees. Luckily, heights never bothered him, and he has enough upper body strength that he's able to scale the tree pretty quickly. He picks a branch and settles himself on it. 

Evan sits on the branch for a long time. He hasn't checked his phone, so he has no idea how long. He's not having second thoughts, no. This situation is not going to end with him coming out alive. He's just… hesitating. And he doesn't know why. 

Maybe this isn't the best time to do it. Maybe he should wait until nighttime or find somewhere where the trees are higher so he doesn't botch this attempt like last time. He should get down. He needs to get down. 

Evan can't move. 

He starts shaking and that's when the tears hit. Fuck, he cries way too much and now is really not the time. 

"Hansen?" 

Evan looks down, and is surprised, though not entirely shocked considering the circumstances, to see Connor Murphy standing at the base of the tree and looking up at him. 

He doesn't answer. He doesn't make a sound. He isn't sure he could even if he wanted to. 

"What the _fuck_ are you doing up there?!" Connor is yelling loudly. He's angry. Again. 

Evan doesn't answer. 

"Evan, I swear to god if you're up there because- I'll come up there, don't think I won't." Connor is screaming now, but he no longer sounds angry. He sounds more… scared, than anything? Concerned? Or maybe Evan is just hearing what he wants to hear. 

"Get down from there right now, Evan!" 

So Evan does. He's not really sure what makes him do it. Maybe it's the prospect of Connor actually climbing the tree and putting himself in danger, or maybe it's because he's realizing he never really wanted to be up there in the first place. Either way, slowly but surely, Evan is able to make his shaking limbs work enough to start lowering himself down, branch by branch. 

When his feet finally hit the ground, Evan is startled by two arms wrapping tightly around his middle. 

"What the fuck, Evan. What the fuck were you thinking, oh my god." The arms are pulling him backwards, away from the trunk of the tree and Evan is crying. Again. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he can't stop saying, although he's not really sure what he's apologizing for. As usual. 

"You were gonna jump, weren't you? Just like last time. Jesus Christ, Evan." 

"You don't have to- you can go. I know you still hate me." 

"I don't hate you. Just.. fuck. Okay, just sit down." 

Evan flops to the ground, a sobbing, heaving mess. He can't even open his eyes to look at Connor. 

"I'm sorry about the other day. I overreacted, just like I always do. I believe that you don't like Zoe anymore but like, Jesus. Don't fucking kill yourself over it!" 

"Jared's mad at me. You're mad at me. I have nobody. I was so alone. I told you, I told you I was alone. I always end up alone no matter what I do." 

Connor sits down in front of him, reaches out, and takes one of Evan's hands. "How many times do I have to tell you that you're not alone until you fucking believe it?" 

Evan sputters, "But, but you were so mad-" 

"That happens, Ev. I get mad. It's going to happen. I blow up out of nowhere and I always wind up hurting people I care about. I'm working on it, but I don't know how to change it. Just… I'm sorry, okay? We can just pretend like none of that ever happened." 

"You weren't talking to me. You didn't text me for five whole days." 

"Well, the thought of you liking Zoe definitely pissed me off pretty bad. It kind of makes me sick, to be honest. But if you say you don't like her anymore, I believe you. I just… didn't know how to tell you that, I guess." 

"Oh. Okay." 

Connor sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. "I think I should take you to your therapist, probably." 

"Probably." 

"Okay, come on. Let's go." 

Connor still hasn't let go of his hand. He leads them to the building and follows Evan's directions to the office. He sits in the waiting room while Evan has an emergency appointment with Dr. Sherman and is there when he comes back out, much to Evan's surprise. 

"My mom's on her way," he tells Connor as he sits down next to him. "They're not going to admit me to the hospital since I didn't actually try anything. I told Dr. Sherman I regretted it as soon as I got up there, anyway. It wasn't like last time." 

"And that's true?" 

Evan nods. "Yeah, it is. I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry to make such a big deal. I shouldn't have wasted your time." 

"Oh my god Hansen, will you shut up with that?" Connor practically shouts, getting the attention of more than a few people in the waiting room. 

He lowers his voice when he notices people staring, though. "You didn't waste my time. Obviously something is going on with you or you wouldn't have been up there in the first place. If you feel like you need to be in the hospital, you should go." 

"It's not that. I don't feel like I want to die and I know I wouldn't have jumped again today. I'm just… I'm tired. I'm sick of feeling this way and sometimes dying feels like the only way out, you know?" 

"Yeah, I do." 

They sit in silence until Heidi comes bursting through the door, eyes teary and chest heaving, looking like she ran up the steps rather than taking the time to wait for the elevator. "Oh, sweetie," she says before sitting beside Evan and wrapping her arms around him. 

The embrace is comforting, and Evan feels himself melt into it almost instinctively. 

After a few moments, Heidi pulls away and looks over Evan's shoulder at Connor. "Thank you so much for helping him Connor. Do you need a ride home?" 

"No, I'm actually supposed to be in the support group right now, so. I think that's where I'm gonna go." 

"Right," Heidi says, sounding a bit suspicious. Evan knows she thinks he's just going to skip it again. It's pretty obvious that that's how he found Evan in the first place, but luckily she doesn't say anything. "Thanks again, Connor. You're a great friend." 

Connor hesitates to get up, but eventually stands. "Thanks Ms. Hansen. See ya later, Evan." 

"Bye Connor." 

"Come on, bud," his mom says. "Let's get you home." 

\-- 

Evan and his mom have a long talk on the couch when they get home. 

He tells the truth; the whole truth, about how he's been feeling and about how he doesn't think his medication is working. He tells her he doesn't want to die, and that's the truth, too. His mom promises she's going to do everything in her power to help him, and reminds him how important and precious he is to her. How he's her whole world, and if anything ever happened to him, it would destroy her. 

Evan believes her. 

While he's getting ready for bed that night, his phone pings with a text. 

It's Connor. 

**Connor:** _hey. just wanted to see how ur doing. also, if u ever try some shit like that again i'll kill u before you even get a chance to do it yourself. i know this is really weird, and what i'm about to say is probably gonna freak you out, but i'd never have the balls to say it in person so here it goes. i like you. and not just as a friend. i like you like you. i wasn't ever gonna say anything, but since you clearly have no idea how important u are, just remember that u made someone with literally no emotions feel things. and that's pretty amazing. anyway, don't feel pressured to respond to this. i know it's weird and i'm gonna hate myself as soon as i send it, but i had to say something. btw, i actually did go to that support group meeting today. it wasn't as bad as we thought. u should go sometime. anyway. see u when i see u, Ev._

Evan swears he stops breathing. He has to read the text over and over again, and even then he still doesn't quite believe it. Connor likes _him_? Connor likes him _back_? It's practically a dream come true. 

He scrambles to reply. He has no idea what he's going to say, but he knows he has to say something, and quick. 

**Evan:** _I like you too :)_

Well, it's not as wordy and as heartfelt as Connor's message had been, but it's something. 

He watches the three dots pop up that indicate Connor is writing back, and watches them disappear. It happens three more times before Evan finally decides to add something else. 

**Evan:** _And you're really important to me too. If you ever need to talk about stuff, anything at all, I'm here. You're not alone either, Connor._

It's another five painstaking minutes before Connor finally replies. 

**Connor:** _thanks. i just might take you up on that. so wait, you really do like me back? you're not just fucking with me?_  
  
**Evan:** _No, not at all. I wasn't going to say anything either because I didn't think you felt the same way._

**Connor:** _wow._

**Evan:** _Yeah, wow._

**Connor:** _u wanna go for a drive?_

**Evan:** _I can't sneak out right now, Connor. Besides, it's a school night._

**Connor:** _right. see u at school tomorrow then.  
_**Connor:** _i'll pick u up in the morning?_

**Evan:** _I meant for you. I'm staying home tomorrow._

**Connor:** _then i'll come over tomorrow_

**Evan:** _After school, right?_  
  
**Connor:** _ugh fine, yeah. after school._

**Evan: __** _Sounds good! See you then. :) Night, Connor._

**Connor:** _night, Evan. :)_


	7. Chapter 7

The next day goes by slowly. Evan stays in his pjs, eating dry cereal and watching reruns of The Office. He changes clothes when it gets close to the time Connor should be coming over, though. 

Evan is nervous. Even more nervous than he is on a normal basis, which is really saying something. 

When Connor gets here, should they talk about what happened last night? About what they both said? He assumes that's why Connor wanted to come over in the first place, but what if Connor regrets saying all that stuff? What if he didn't really mean it? 

Evan shakes his head. He knows he's just being paranoid at this point. Connor _likes_ him, and he likes Connor back. It shouldn't be this complicated. 

But it is. 

Evan almost throws up when he finally hears the doorbell ring. He fusses with his hair and smooths out his shirt before rushing over to the front door and opening it to reveal Connor, looking just as indifferent and unbothered as ever. "Hey," Connor says. 

"Hi, come- you can come in," Evan sputters. 

Connor steps in and turns around to face Evan almost immediately. "This is weird." 

Evan allows himself to laugh a little at that. "It is." 

"Do you wanna go for that drive now?" 

Well. Anything is better than awkwardly sitting next to each other on his couch. "Sure." 

They get in Connor's car and Connor turns his music up as soon as he starts driving. Evan gets the impression he did this to avoid talking, which… is understandable. 

It only takes about ten minutes for Evan to realize where they're going. 

"I know this is stupid," Connor tells him when they pull into the parking lot. "But I like coming here. It's quiet and private and nobody ever bothers us. It's a good place to… talk." 

"Yeah," Evan responds, knowing his voice is doing nothing to mask his nerves. 

They walk over to their spot under the trees near the parking lot of that god forsaken support group building. The place where it had all started. 

In spite of everything, Evan can't help but be thankful for it. 

Connor stops abruptly before sitting down. "Shit." 

"What's wrong?" Evan asks from the ground, nerves firing rapidly as his mind races with possibilities. 

"I forgot you… we don't have to sit here if, you know. If it holds bad memories for you, or whatever." 

"Oh." Evan thinks about it. Is he uncomfortable here? Not really. The spot holds more good memories than bad ones. "No, it's fine." 

"Alright then. That's good," Connor says as he sits down next to Evan. 

"So…" Evan says, gripping his pant leg and trying to breathe through his nose. 

"So. About what I said last night. I just want you to know I meant every word of it. But you didn't have to say that stuff if you didn't mean it. I won't be mad at you if you don't like me back." 

Evan shakes his head rapidly. "No! I do like you back. I've liked you for a while now, I was just too scared to tell you that because… well, because I'm me." 

"So what do we do now?" 

"Uh…" Evan considers for a moment. "I guess? We date?" 

Connor laughs. "Yeah, that's usually how these things go, huh." 

"Yeah." 

They sit in silence for another few moments. "This is awkward," Connor says with a laugh in his voice. 

Evan laughs too and he can feel himself start to blush. "It is. Sorry." 

Connor looks over at him. "Why are you sorry?" 

Evan looks back. "Uh. I don't know?" 

They hold each other's gaze and oh, shit. Connor is looking at his lips. They can kiss now, right? That's a thing that would be okay? Evan really wants to kiss Connor. Should he lean in first, or should he wait? 

Screw it. Evan's done going through life cautiously. Ever since he met Connor, he's branched out and started doing things he's never done before. He's started living, and he doesn't want to stop. 

Evan leans in and kisses Connor. 

It's quick and sloppy and their teeth clink together before Evan pulls away to see a red-faced Connor Murphy looking at him like he's something interesting - fascinating, even. That's when Connor leans back in and kisses him harder. This one is better, and their lips slide together in a way that feels just right. 

When they pull apart, Evan feels lightheaded and he almost falls over, but Connor puts a hand on his shoulder, holding him up and just looking at him. 

Where normally Evan would flinch away at the scrutiny, he embraces it. 

For the first time in what might be his entire life, Evan feels seen. 

He leans back in and kisses Connor again. 

This is one is better. It's slow and not-so-careful and something warm tugs in Evan's stomach making him lean in closer. They actually start to make out a little, Connor wrapping an arm around Evan's waist and pulling him in. Giddy butterflies burst into Evan's stomach and he almost wants to lay down until he remembers where they are. 

He pulls away. "We should probably get out of here now." 

"Yeah," Connor agrees. 

"Good talk." 

Connor bursts out laughing at that, his lips red and glossy and his eyes shining. He's never looked so beautiful to Evan before. "Good talk," he agrees. 

They make out in Connor's car for almost fifteen more minutes before coming to their senses and finally leaving. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short - it was supposed to be part of a larger chapter but I've kinda hit a bit of a writer's block so I decided to just post what I have so far. Don't worry though, I promise I'll finish!
> 
> Thanks as always to Tayler for being an awesome beta and cheerleader xx
> 
> hmu on tumblr @lightaspark


	8. Chapter 8

The next day starts out just as boring and mundane as any other, until Evan realizes that one thing has changed: he's dating Connor Murphy. 

The realization makes him giddy and excited to go to school that day. Connor promised he would pick him up. Evan spends an extra amount of time getting ready that morning, checking himself in the mirror and changing outfits several times before deeming himself presentable. 

He has to remind himself though that by some miracle, Connor liked him before today. He doesn't need to do anything special, doesn't need to hide or change himself. Connor likes him for who he is. It's shocking and almost unbelievable, but it's apparently true. 

Connor picks him up early and they stop for breakfast sandwiches on the way to school. They eat in the parking lot and Connor sips black coffee while Evan makes fun of him for not putting anything in it. Connor tells him he likes his coffee like he likes his soul and they both crack up. 

It's a good way to start the day before they have to enter the hellfire that is their high school. 

Especially when they run into Jared Kleinman. 

One of the many weird things about Jared is that he can go from angry to acting like your best friend in a matter of hours. It's almost like he's a toddler that needs to throw a tantrum, sit in the corner, and then come back after he's calmed down. So it's not entirely surprising to Evan when Jared bounds up to Evan in the hallway, grinning like they never had a fight in the first place. 

Instinctively, Evan reaches for Connor's hand. 

Jared's eyes fall downwards, and Evan immediately lets go. Shit. 

"What was that?" Jared asks indignantly, loud and obnoxious with a crinkled nose, like he's smelled something bad. 

"We're together," Evan blurts. He has no intentions of hiding it from anyone, especially not Jared. 

Connor, for his part, remains blessedly silent. 

"I knew it! Why didn't you tell me? Were you guys in some weird secret relationship or something?" 

Evan bristles. "No, we just got together the other day. Why are you so obsessed with us, anyway?" 

Jared's eyes narrow. "I'm just looking out for you, Evan. I meant what I said the other day. You're not acting like yourself." 

"Then you clearly don't know the real Evan," Connor finally interjects, sounding furious. 

"Can it, Murphy. I've known him way longer than you." 

"Well, that was the old Evan," Evan practically yells at Jared. "The Evan that was afraid of everything. The Evan that didn't want to leave the house or just let himself have some fun once in awhile. Is that how you want me to be? Besides, you cut class all the time, Jared. Don't act like you're above it." 

Jared sneers, but for once in his life, he doesn't seem to have anything to say. 

That's when Evan grabs Connor's hand and stomps away. 

He wants to feel good about that interaction. Proud that he stood up for himself. Really, he does. But all that Evan is left with is a sense of guilt and regret. 

Evan pulls Connor into the nearest bathroom and bursts into tears. 

"Okay, okay," Connor says, sounding sort of awkward as he stands there while Evan cries. He steps forward and wraps his arms around Evan tentatively, squeezing tightly when Evan doesn't pull back or tense up. 

"I don't know why he's acting like this," Evan whimpers. "Why can't he just be happy for me?" 

"He's a dick, that's why. Like you said, he's probably just jealous that you have someone else in your life besides him. He'll come around eventually." 

"I don't know." 

"He will." Connor sounds certain. "I'll make sure of it." 

\-- 

Evan is still upset during lunch. He and Connor sit in the library watching youtube videos and sharing each other's food, sitting as close as possible without actually touching. About halfway through the period, Connor locks his phone and starts packing up their trash. 

"Come on," he says. "We have an appointment." 

"A what?" 

"You'll see. Follow me." 

Connor leads them to the parking lot where a disgruntled looking Jared Kleinman is standing by Connor's car. 

"I texted him to meet us here but I'm not gonna lie, I didn't think he'd actually show up," Connor whispers to Evan, sounding a little bit amused. 

"What's this about, Murphy?" Jared demands as soon as they walk up. "I have better things to do with my time than come out here and watch you two make out." 

"Alright Kleinman, I'm just gonna say it. Do you have some kind of weird crush on Evan or something? Is that why you're so jealous of me?" 

"Step back. I think I'm gonna vomit." 

"Was that a vine reference?" 

Jared freezes. "Hm. Didn't expect you to pick up on that so fast." 

Jared and Connor then engage in a full on staring contest, the two of them eyeing each other suspiciously. Neither of them speak for an uncomfortable amount of time. 

Finally, Evan can't take it anymore. "Look, Jared. I want to be done with this. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings before, but either you accept Connor and I as a couple or you don't." 

Jared rolls his eyes, crossing his arms and giving himself away for the sudden bout of self-consciousness. "You didn't hurt my feelings." 

"Jared!" 

  
"Fine. Look, clearly Murphy isn't going anywhere. So I guess I'm cool with that, as long as you don't start acting crazy again." 

It isn't actually an apology, but it's Jared. That's as close as they're ever going to get. 

"I won't." 

"Can I go now?" Jared whines. 

"Yeah. Bye, Jared." 

Jared stalks off, heading back towards the school. Evan leans up against the car and sighs. 

"That went a lot better than I expected," Connor comments. 

"Yeah. I guess." 

"Are you okay?" 

"I just wish… I don't know. Jared is so… _Jared_. But he's never going to change so I might as well just start to accept that now." 

Right on cue, Evan's phone pings with a text. 

**Jared:** I'm sorry, okay? I'm glad you're happy. Come over my house after school for video games and I'll forgive you officially. 

Evan beams. That's much better, and honestly a little surprising. 

It's progress. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm back. I promised I wouldn't abandon this so I'm not going to! Hopefully I still have some readers left?


	9. Chapter 9

Connor and Evan are hanging out in Connor's room when Evan makes a decision. 

"I want to come to the next support group meeting." 

This seems to throw Connor off. "Are you sure? I only went to the last one because I kind of didn't have a choice." 

"You said you got something out of it though, didn't you?" 

Connor hesitates, but nods after a moment. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did." 

"Well, I want to try. I think it might help?" 

"That's cool. Are you nervous?" 

"A little. But you'll be there. At least I hope you'll be? Don't decide to ditch without me or something." 

"I promise I won't, Ev. I'll be there." 

"Good." 

\-- 

Evan gets flashbacks to the first time he was ever dropped off at the support group while he sits in his mom's car. He's nervous and shaking, but at least he isn't hyperventilating this time. 

"Are you okay, sweetie? Remember what I said. You don't have to do this if you don't want to. That was the deal all along," Heidi reassures him. 

"I know. But I want to. This time I do, anyway." 

"Okay. Well, Connor is taking you home afterwards, right?" 

"Yep." 

"Alright, hun. I love you. Call me if you need anything." 

"I will. Love you too." With that, Evan gets out of the car and immediately texts Connor, beginning the frantic search for his boyfriend before he even really gets the chance to text him back. 

Luckily, he doesn't have to search very far. He finds Connor in the lobby, sitting in a chair. He stands as soon as he sees Evan and his smile nearly knocks Evan out. 

"Hey you," he says. 

"Hey," Evan replies, going in for a hug. What he really wants is a kiss, but. They're in public and Evan doesn't think either of them are quite ready for that. 

"You ready for this?" Connor asks when they pull away. 

"No. But let's do it anyway." 

"Alright. Come on." 

Connor leads the way to the elevator and then into the waiting room. They have a few minutes until the meeting officially starts, so they sit next to each other and scroll through their respective phones. Connor gets bored with his easily and opts instead to simply stare off into space. 

Evan has to wonder what he's thinking about. 

It isn't long before it's six o'clock on the dot, and a door is opening to reveal that same kind-faced therapist that Evan remembers from all those weeks ago; Jeff, he's pretty sure name is. Connor gets up, and Evan follows him tentatively into the room. 

The meeting starts off just the way the last one did. There's a few new people, so they go around the room and introduce themselves again. They're also told to name one thing they love, and something they want to get out of the session, just like last time. Evan finds he's not as nervous to answer, but that's mostly because he plans on recycling his responses from last time. 

Evan gets a surprise however, when it's Connor's turn to answer. He doesn't make the same joke about weed (which, Evan has come to find out, was never really a joke). Instead, his answer is a bit more serious. 

"My name's Connor, I guess I like reading? And I don't need to get anything out of this session because I already got the best thing possible sitting right next to me. I just hope he gets what he's looking for, too." 

Suddenly, all eyes are on Evan and he feels his face heat up at the attention. He looks over at Connor and finds he's smiling warmly, in that secret way he seems to save only for Evan. 

Evan doesn't need to think twice on it to decide he's proud of his boyfriend. 

"That's great, Connor," Jeff says. "You two are friends?" 

"Yep." 

"And you met in this group?" 

"Yep." 

When Connor doesn't offer more, Evan speaks up. He just hopes he's making the right decision. "He's my boyfriend." 

"That's awesome," someone else in the group who had introduced themselves as Justin immediately comments. "I'm gay. It's good to know there's other people in this group that are part of the community." 

Evan and Connor both nod. Evan offers a small smile, and Justin smiles back. 

Evan feels a bit more comfortable after that interaction. 

They continue with introductions, and soon they get to the part Evan had been dreading. Jeff asks if anyone wants to share their story. 

And Evan does. He wants to share, he's just nervous about the public speaking part. But he can push through it. If Connor had done it, so can Evan. 

He raises his hand. 

"Uh, a few months back," Evan starts. "I was just. I was feeling so alone? And so I climbed a tree at the state park I was working at and basically I, well I pretty much jumped out of it. The fall wasn't enough to kill me. All I got was this broken arm. The cast is coming off soon, though." 

Evan isn't sure why he added that last part about his cast coming off, but he tries not to berate himself too much over it. "I regret it all the time," he continues. "But. The one good thing that came out of it was coming here and meeting Connor. We go to the same school but we might never have spoken at all if it weren't for this group, so." Shit, he's rambling. "So I'm really happy about that." 

"Thanks for sharing that with us, Evan. It sounds like you were really suffering, but I can tell you this: I'm so glad you're still here with us. I bet Connor agrees with me, too." 

"I do," Connor responds immediately, looking over at Evan. 

Evan looks down and mumbles a small "Thanks." His eyes are burning and he's trying really hard not to cry. 

He's failed, he realizes as a tear rolls down his cheek. 

It's the good kind of crying though. His affection for Connor is bubbling over, and on top of that he's proud of himself. He never thought he'd have the courage to speak up in a room full of people and admit something like that, but he did it. He did it and nothing horrible happened. He didn't humiliate himself. He didn't have a panic attack. He barely even stuttered, which is a huge feat. 

Sure, he's crying in front of eight other people and it's apparently obvious because Jeff is handing him a tissue, but Connor has his hand on Evan's knee and is looking at him like _that_ and for the first time in a long while, Evan thinks everything is going to be okay. 

And just like that, someone else is sharing their story. The attention is off of Evan, and he feels like some kind of weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. It feels good. Really, really good. 

The rest of the session goes smoothly. Once the last person who wanted to share their story has finished speaking, they do an exercise. There's a white board on one side of the room, and Jeff writes down suggestions from the group on things they can do when they're having suicidal thoughts. Evan even makes a suggestion. Connor stays silent, but somehow, Evan knows he's in a good mood. 

Finally, the session ends, and despite it having gone surprisingly well, Evan is relieved. He grabs Connor's hand and they walk to the elevator like that together. 

They don't speak again until they're alone in Connor's car. And even then, they don't speak right away, because before Evan can even get his seatbelt on Connor is leaning over and kissing him. 

"I'm so proud of you," Connor tells him when they pull away. "That took guts. I knew you could do it." 

"Thanks," Evan says, feeling himself blush at the praise. "I don't think I would have been able to do it if you weren't in there with me, though." 

Connor huffs. "Nope. Not gonna let you give me any credit. That was all you." 

"Maybe." 

"Definitely. You deserve a reward. McDonald's, for old time's sake?" 

Evan bursts out laughing. "Thanks, but I already ate. How about ice cream?" 

  
"McDonald's has ice cream." 

"Yeah, but the machine is always broken and besides, I'm not in the mood for soft ice cream." 

"So you want it hard, then?" 

Evan rolls his eyes, catching the joke right away. "Maybe later." 

"Good answer." 

_Yeah._ Evan thinks as Connor takes his hand and starts driving. _Everything is definitely going to be okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's done! Hope you all enjoyed! Let me know what you thought? (:


End file.
